WARNING: This one is a bit more of a rant and has more language than usual. Apologies if you don’t care for either of those. This will not be a recurring thing, only with the worst of the worst.

How did this even happen?

Spider-Man 3 is the last of the Raimi/Maguire films and focuses on Peter Parker as he struggles in his relationship with Mary Jane and goes up against new villains Harry a.k.a. the “New Goblin,” Sandman, and Venom as he fights off a mysterious organism that bonds with him.

Even that cluttered sentence makes it sound like there is way too much going on in this film. I named maybe a fraction of the numerous subplots in this boring, elongated, convoluted mess. Other than the ones mentioned above, we have a love triangle among Peter, MJ, and Harry (AGAIN), Peter’s rivalry with Eddie Brock, Sandman revealed as Uncle Ben’s real killer, another love triangle that involves Peter, Gwen Stacy, and Eddie, and Sandman’s sick daughter. Those are only the ones I can remember, and I counted eight. EIGHT. Just how overstuffed can you make a superhero movie and completely fail to make the audience care about even one?

You are unable to give a damn about even Peter after a very short time. Everything he does from around the 20-minute mark to the climax, renders him as an unbearable, self-centered, oblivious, moronic airhead. How do you screw up your movie so much that the audience doesn’t care about the main hero? Even before the symbiote bonds with him, Peter is such an asshole to Mary Jane. Twice, she tries to talk to him about her problems with her Broadway job, and Peter makes it about him and how much everyone loves Spider-Man now and how they used to put him down. You just want to yell at the screen, “IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU, YOU DICK!” Late in the film, Peter tries to make Mary Jane jealous by taking Gwen to the jazz bar she gets hired at. Despite having the black suit at this point, you don’t expect Peter to try to deliberately hurt those close to him. Even in the comics and cartoons, the worst he did to his loved ones was take a cocky attitude or yell at them; he never wanted to get back at them for anything. Everything Peter does to MJ makes you unable to feel sympathy for him until he finally rids himself of the symbiote, far too long into the movie.

This movie is the ultimate example of trying to cram too many villains into a single film. Two is the limit; you can’t have three because it has never worked, nor will it ever. Harry should have been the only adversary as the Hobgoblin so they wouldn’t have recycled the Green Goblin. That would have been a major change, but it would have been so much better than this lame New Goblin crap. I mean, a ninja skateboarder? Seriously?! Harry’s costume does not make him look menacing at all. He just wears a generic black and green outfit with wrist blades.

They got Sandman dead wrong. Not only is there no need for him to be in the movie, but he is a completely different character than he is in the comics. Sandman is obsessed with stealing as much money as he can because he is selfish and only cares about himself. He never hesitates to hurt people and will take down anyone who gets in his way. There is no sick daughter to motivate him, only his self-centeredness. Lastly, making him Uncle Ben’s real killer is contrived and only exists to create one of the many aforementioned subplots. I can almost guarantee you that they did not come up with this as they were writing the first film.

Venom and the symbiote should have been left out of the movie entirely. A villain of that popularity and awesomeness should be the only one in a film, and he certainly shouldn’t have been portrayed by someone as non-intimidating as Topher Grace. He can’t stand up to Tobey Maguire in terms of acting or gravitas. One of the worst ways they ruined Venom was peeling back his face to show Grace’s, preventing the viewer from taking him seriously. They couldn’t even get Venom’s voice right; listening to his slightly altered voice come out from behind his mask can’t help but make you wince. Venom is one of Spider-Man’s best villains, and he deserves to be done justice, not butchered.

Danny Elfman’s score for the previous two films are some of the best of any superhero film. Unfortunately, he did not return for this movie; he was replaced by Christopher Young. When I think of the music of Spider-Man 3, I think scratchy and unpleasant to listen to. The themes for each fight, especially Peter’s first encounters with Sandman and Harry as the Goblin are not only inferior to any of Elfman’s songs, but they are bad on their own. It’s like he, or whoever was in charge of what kind of music to play for the action scenes, just said “I (or we) want something that sounds epic. It doesn’t matter if it reflects the characters or their conflicts with each other. Just make some cool action music.” I bet that decision was made by the dipshit executives at Sony who most likely screwed the rest of this movie up anyway.

The point that all hope for this movie recovering is lost is one of the dumbest scenes ever put in a superhero film. No, ANY film—Peter Parker doing his stupid, FUCKING emo dance set to that dumbass music down the street, shooting perverted looks at every woman who walks past him! Whose idea was that?! Who said yes to write, act, film, edit, and put it in the final film?? Why would anyone think that was a good idea?! It is a far worse crime than anything ever done in any Spider-Man movie, even The Amazing Spider-Man 2!

Spider-Man 3 is a travesty, a sin, a calamity upon the superhero fan community, Spider-Man fans, and cinema itself. Everything about it is wrong.

Spider-Man 3 gets a big fat fuckin’ F

“If the director doesn’t love something, it’s wrong of them to make it when so many other people love it.”-Sam Raimi on directing Spider-Man 3

If you haven’t already, you can check out my reviews of Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2. Stay updated for my reviews of The Amazing Spider-Man and The Amazing Spider-Man 2!

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